The Circle of Life

So, I came across some pictures of Maggie today, and of course tears welled up immediately!! This picture was I believe from years ago, down in AZ and back when she would climb a tree just get a better view!!
I still miss her! I have her ashes sitting in my living room now, awaiting a time to split them up with Lex. She and Joel are going to take half back to AZ and spread them behind the house in Alpine, to this day Maggie's most favorite house. Actually, not really a second place in that derby as she had a million acre backyard and even got to chase a bear out of the house!!!
I will spread her ashes up at Chicken Creek, here in Mancos and also down at Cottonwood Park, her favorite morning walk spot these past few years.
Most of the time, when I see her in my dreams these past two months (Wow, has it really been two months already?) I see her so peacefully lying on the blanket at the Vet's the day we put her down. She totally knew what was happening and was totally at peace with it. She kissed us each good bye and simply looked at the vet and nodded. Time to go. She was happy! Can't say the same about me!!

But this does bring me to my story title - The Circle of Life.
In the grief of letting Maggie go, I at least have some incredible happiness to look forward to - our little kick-boxing gymnast!! I can only hope that some of Maggie's spirit is out there to be collected and cherished by the little one!! I am, unfortunately for the world, pretty confident that little guy will have energy levels to rival Maggie in her heyday!! Preferably not chasing sticks though. I am sure that my heart will have a large hole all winter, but come March, I am guessing it will be overflowing again with love and joy and a whole new life will help me come full circle.
RIP Maggie!!!

Drum Roll ...... It is Real!!

How to put pen to paper (or finger tip to keyboard in this day and age) and be able to properly express the joy ride and emotions of an ultrasound? The anticipation was like nothing I have ever experienced! We arrived at the hospital a little early and went through the check-in process - mostly typical bureaucratic questions, and a little side judgment about being "partners" and the working assumption that we would be back for the birth. Hmmmm, not worth telling her that we would not, unless we absolutely had to! Yes, we are planning for a home birth, in comforts of our own living room. Yes, we understand these alleged risks but in our minds, there is far more risk in entering the hospital environment unless absolutely necessary. We want this to be our experience and not one driven by a hospital's need to free up the bed and not expose themselves to any potential lawsuits.
Oh, sorry for the little soapbox moment and diversion - ultrasound. Yes! After checking in, we headed to the "Radiation/Ultrasound Waiting Room" and spent about the longest three minutes of my life waiting for the tech to come get us. Oh my god ....... I think my palms were sweating and I was about to hyperventilate. As the moment got closer, the realness of what we were about to see was front and center. Excited? You bet! Scared? Yep! Nervous? Obviously! Total wonderment? Oh yeah!
What was going to be revealed? The ultrasound tech was really sweet and obviously very competent and comforting. I think she was almost as excited about the whole thing as we were and that takes skill and compassion to portray that excitement to each and every set of expectant parents nervously walking through those doors. Back to revelation - the moment the tech applied the ultrasound wand to Rachel's rounded belly, images started flashing on the monitor. And I thought I was going to cry!!! There was our baby. For a dad, it is really the very first opportunity to "see" the child, just as it is for the mom, yet because mom has been feeling the movement, kicks, tickles and pressure on her bladder, the whole experience has up to now been a whole lot more real. For me, to stand there, caressing Rachel's leg and see this tiny human form, kicking, yawning and moving around was the single most incredible moment of my life. I am sure there will be more to come with this little critter, but for now, that very first visual, and the following 40 minutes is the top of the pyramid. Wow!! For me, it confirmed this whole endeavor as REAL. And magical! And to hear the tech exclaim "perfect" and "that is great" so many times left me with such an amazing peace and calmness. Yes, we have a child with ten fingers, ten toes, normal proportions --- everything is "normal". Ahhhhhhh!!! I am relieved and happy! And totally in love! With Rachel and with our kick-boxing gymnast.
Oh yeah .... It is a boy!!!!!!!

Ultrasound Today

I awoke at 4:30 this morning and could not go back to sleep........Why? I stared at the ceiling, put a load of laundry in the wash and tried to read a book, but my heart just kept racing. Oh yeah, that's right ...... Rachel and I go to Montrose today for our very first ultrasound. Gulp!!!
Why am I so nervous? So far everything about our pregnancy has gone so well, dang near perfectly. Well, aside from the horrible back cramps Rachel had during the first trimester, but all in all, it has been pretty smooth sailing. We have heard the babies heartbeat several times now, initially 8 weeks ago at 160 beats per minute and most recently just yesterday thumping away at 135. He/she is a kicking machine, tickling Rachel's insides at "energetic" levels for weeks now.
Yet, through all this, I find myself staring at the ceiling.......Could it be because this will be one of the most monumental days in my life? Graduations? Check! Marriage? Check! Summit of Denali? Check! But seeing my own baby for the very first time? That is today!!! (I can hear BC now - "I told you so!") Dang, I am sooo excited for this afternoon to unfold.
We are 20 weeks into this most amazing journey - half way!! I think if my love for Rachel grows at the same pace over these next 20 weeks as it has over these first 20, I might just explode. I know some might find us strange, but I find it endearing that we obsess about similar things, although I must admit, she hits new highs on some topics. Overall though, I find comfort in the fact that we are a very healthy couple and Rachel has been a near perfect host for our growing seed, now the size of a banana, or cantelope, or can of Red Bull (depending on which pregnancy website you subscribe to. In our case we get to choose from 3 - yeah, obsessive!), continuing to eat well and maintain a stout exercise routine. She is so in tune with her body that when she tells me she thinks she can tell exactly what position the baby is in at that moment, I believe her. She has given me no reason to doubt and only multiple chances to believe. I am constantly astounded at how cognizant she is of the inner workings of her body and appreciative of how that translates to our baby's health. Now, today, we get to see the fruits of those intuitions and capabilities.
Rachel - I love you!!!

Fatherhood - To Be ....

Many of you will be able to relate (in a "Been there, done that" kind of way), but for me, this is all new. I never realized how truly amazing the creation of life could be.
A little background - Rachel and I decided to try having a baby in late June, and well, first time successful. Quite honestly, I spent the first 40+ years of my life enjoying the freedoms of no kids to take up "my" precious time. Did have a dog, that really thought she was human, and in reality as much as I spent time training her to be a truly amazing dog/daughter, she really helped train me too, to the idea of loving and taking care of a dependent! I have often laughed that folks really should have a dog before they make the decision to have a child, as it is fantastic training for the needs of a child, while still being able to leave the four legged kiddo in the yard for the day!! Leaving the kids in the backyard, with a bowl of water, is probably not exactly recommended day care, yet there are so many other little teaching moments in raising a well behaved dog to help train us humans for parenthood. Thank you Maggie!!!!
And, now, I am finally ready for the challenges and joys of a human child. My father has long advocated that the best part of having kids is having adult kids. That I can certainly understand, but we are a long way from those days. We are only 20 weeks into our pregnancy, and Rachel is definitely showing. She is even more beautiful now, with her growing belly, than that day 4+ months ago when we made this magnificent decision! She is a most amazing partner for this monumental endeavor, with the true fascination in her changing body and the little giggles when the babies moves around inside her belly.
We go in for an ultrasound in four days. Yes, we are going to learn the gender of our little kick-boxing gymnast - not sure we are going to tell all of you just yet though!! We'll see!!
This whole process has been quite the revelation for me. I spent so many years "adventuring" around the West and the World, with nary a thought to all the delights of a different sort of adventure. I often chuckled to myself when friends would tell me about the captivating moments of sharing a pregnancy and kids with a loved one. I am still chuckling, but now it is in fellowship. Wow! My friend BC will be the first to tell me "I told you so" {Wait, he already has, several times!!} and he would be so right!! It is near impossible to put into words how truly wonderful this stage is, for each day dawns on new precious moments, giggles and learning opportunities. And Rachel is a most amazing partner for all of it!!!!!! We look forward to every new day with childlike Christmas desire, to discover what new present we get to unwrap today. Is it a strange muscle twinge, a kick in a new place or even just a quiet moment between parents to be! The education and anticipation of pregnancy makes me smile!!
Cheers all.